I got a full time job!!!  YAY!!!  I'm working at Motel 6 in Kingsville... front desk and they're going to keep me in mind for Manager on Duty.  Hours aren't that great... 2 nights (11pm-7am) and the rest either 3 Mornings (7am-3pm) or days (3pm-7pm)  Thank God for full time work.   

There comes a point in your life when you figure out exactly the kind of person you are and you realize that you will either lay down and die or stand up and fight... I'm there.  The truth of the matter is that you will do both... every person when faced with circumstances beyond their control will fight and die and then fight again... What do you do when the thing you believed in most falls apart?  You cry... and pray that your tears can mend that broken heart.

My husband moved out of our home yesterday and with that farewell closed a chapter in the books of our lives... As hard and painful as it is to imagine, I will soon find myself staring at that long road of loneliness... and I'm sure that, for awhile at least, my companions will be What If and I Wish.  I hold no bitterness or malice towards Barry... I didn't spend 3 years of my life  loving him with all my heart to start hating him now.  We are fortunate that in as much as we are hurting, we also have the luxury of still being amicable.  I thank God for that at least.

I woke up this morning knowing that I had 2 choices... I could be better or I could be bitter.  Today I chose better... but I cannot promise that that is what tomorrow will hold.  I will take this journey one slow step at a time knowing that God is with me every step of the way.  My heart is broken, but I will not allow myself to become jaded... happiness is a choice and I have made my decision.

I was afraid that somewhere in the last 3 years I had lost sight of myself.... that I no longer knew who I was, but last night I stayed up late just thinking... it dawned on me that in all honesty my time with Barry has taught me to be who I am.  He accepted the parts of me that I always hid from the world, thinking that I would be looked upon in some sort of negative stereotype... those are the things that he loved and because of that I am no longer afraid to be myself.  He said it best when he told me that when I look at a rose I don't see the flower or the thorns, but an entire story.  I don't wish to lose sight of that girl. 

So my new motto is:
   When the storm comes look for that small ray of sunshine...
   When the sunshine is blocked out look for the silver lining...
   When the silver lining is gone- find the rainbow.

I would welcome all prayers... I would ask that you not hold grudges against either of us... I know that is a lot to ask some of you, but I don't wish for vendettas.  Should you find yourself angry please honor my wish that you keep it to yourself.  It would be easier for me right now.  I have so many decisions to make and so many issues on my plate... please just be what you have all always been- supportive and understanding... I simply need an extra portion of love. 

Thank you.

I was just sitting here in my living room being incredibley lazy flipping channels on my TV when I saw it.... Waiting for Guffman- coming up next.  For many of you that means absolutely nothing... but it took me back to OBU... see watching that movie was a bit of a cast party tradition there... it had dwindled to almost never when I was attending OBU, but we did watch it once.  Ming Lee and the Magic Tree cast party... when Jen, Sheryl and I still had flowers dyed into our faces... when Matt was jumping all over the green room like a monkey... when Matt was dancing around singing Christian Aguilera to us in all his sexiness... when Lis and I were curled up rolling around the green room in chairs.... sometimes I miss it.  Sometimes I miss them.... a lot of times really... I miss you all.